Another great week of NFL ball, and even though summer is just now officially over the weather in the great Northwest has definitely been football weather - like mid October football weather. Watched part of the Beav game in a pouring rain on Saturday and it felt more like winter than the first days of fall. But have no fear, the tomatoes are still ripening on the vine, the pumpkins are just starting to turn and warm weather is in the forecast. Not putting the golf clubs in the garage just yet. The season is still young and an 0 and 2 team can still make the playoffs, can still turn it around, can still win the whole enchilada. It will just be a bit more difficult than it looked two short Sundays ago. Does Dallas really suck, can FAVra bring back the Vikes, can the Lions possibly lose in a more heartbreaking style next week? Is Vick for real? Is Young a fraud? Does Singletarey need stronger meds? Which Colts team is for real - the losers against Houston, or the surgical unit that embarrassed the Giants? I have no answers. I only have SMACK.....
And the Bitch Slap is............
The best QB in football - gotta be Manning eh? The best running back in futbal - gotta be Chris Johnson right? Nope. Based on this week the best QB is Michael (my favorite place is the Humane society) Vick, and Jahvid (the Beavs knocked me silly last year) Best. Vick exploded this weekend against my poor Lions. Best followed up last weeks tremendous debut with an even better game and led Detroit to another ALMOST unbelievable comeback win. Couple those two with a solid game from Peterson (but if you can't score on four shots from the five are you REALLY that good?) and you have this weeks Bitch Slap. Hemorrhoids moves to 1-1 on the back of those performances and Ballblokes falls near the cellar. Blokes also scored in the Lions/Eagles game with DeSean Jackson, but nobody else on his team could back him up with points, even with the gift TD that Eli got at the end of the game. This really wasn't that bad of an ass whoopin, but a Bitch Slap it is none the less. Back to Cobb next week Rhoids???? Final score - Hemorrhoids 126 over Ballblokes 82.
Boof Wins, Boof Wins, Damn it all Boof WINS..........
This was going to be a close game in my book, and I actually thought Morning Missles had the slight advantage. Figured that Dallas and Romo had to play better than last week and that MJD would gash the LA (I mean Jacksonville) Jags. Romo did OK for a loser, but MJD did not live up to a #1 draft picks expectation. And to top it off, Boof did the improbable. Sure, he got lucky with a Manningham TD, and Jacoby Jones was better than expected in the Houston comeback win, but what won the day for Boof Licks was the manager. How many of you losers without a QB would have even dreamed of sitting Tom Brady down. I mean - Tom Brady. The best looking, best dressed, best chicked QB in football. Tom Brady is Joe Namath on steroids. By all accounts the gals that Tiger "dated" came from Brady's B list. On top of it all, Brady was talkin smack about the Jets. He hates the Jets. Him and Moss were gonna put a whoopin on the J....E...T...S, Jets, Jets Jets! And they did. For one drive. But Boof man KNEW that would happen. He figured that Matt Ryan would do the whoopin on the Arizona D. I think he let his wife make his roster for him this week, which is a good thing for Boof Licks, because it was Matt's 26 points that proved the difference in this game. Marks whole team did well, and Missles was let down by MJD and the pathetic Giants performance, but starting Ryan over Brady was brilliant. Final Score - Boof Licks 118 over Mighty Missles 94 vaults Boof to the league lead.
This should REALLY be the Bitch Slap of the week......
Drew Brees gets 23 points for Horny. Andre Johnson comes back from the locker room to make an incredible last second TD catch and gets 22 points for Horny (by the way - don't you think IV fluids, pain killers and BJ's in the locker room are PERFORMANCE enhancing???). MeSoHorny should win this easy after that right? Wait, it gets even better. Our dear Commish, Death Panels, gets a big goose egg from Aromashodu (which I thought was some kind of suishi), another big goose egg from TJ Houshmanzadeh (I love TJ, but his last name sounds like a brand of saki) and a grand total of ONE point from the old man FAVra. If you give Brett a one point penalty for lack of skill, you end up with enough goose eggs for a pretty nice goose egg omlete Commish. This should have been the most one sided game of the week, and it almost was. But Death Panels has connections the rest of us don't have. Sushi gets zero - McCoy gets 31, Saki gets zero - Gates goes for 18, FAVra gets 1 point - Clinton Portis gets 15. Add a dash of Roddy White, Rice and the Packers Defense all in double digits and you get an omelet of ass whoopin. I told you last week Commish, that if someone loses to a team that gets zero points from a non-injured starter a penalty is in order, but you didn't make the ruling. Instead, you doubled up and beat MeSoHorny with two starters gettin blanked. Still think it should be a penalty but the precedent has been set. MeSoHorny falls to O-fer, and Death Panels gets to .500 with a 106 to 86 victory.
This was much closer than it looks........
Following the lead of Death Panels, Badgers scores a total of FOUR points from his wide receivers. Four points. That is pathetic. He also has the Eagles kicker and only scores 5 points out of the 35 scored, because the Lions defense couldn't stop the Eagles long enough to make them kick a field goal! BloodyPulp overachieved with his no-name players. Take Moss and Smith out of BloodyPulps team and you don't have much left, so scoring over 100 points is pretty good. But Badgers had Les Schaub as his QB and he made up for last weeks disappointing performance with 36 points. He also had another solid game from that racist Aryan Foster - sorry, Arian, benefited from Jackson being the starter with Ryan out for the Pack and got a surprisingly strong game from the Bengals defense to take this game to Monday night. With a mere two points (or so) separating Bloody from Badgers it came down to Garrett Hartley versus Frank Gore. I thought that the Saints were going to kick the 49ers arse on Monday. I figured the 49ers had to suck bad after getting killed by the Hawks. I felt that even more after the Hawks got dismantled by the Broncos. If New Orleans gets a big lead that should take Gore out of the game right? Nope - instead Gore does the butt kickin and scores 29 points, which leads to a comfortable win for Badgers. Think of it as a moral victory Bloodypulp. Badgers gets to 1-1 and Bloody goes to the cellar with a 121 to 104 victory.
As they say on Broadway - Break a leg, but first.................
Score a touch down. Ouch. That was rude - even uncalled for. Even for Squiggy. But football is that kinda game. Red Dragons had strong games from Rivers, Miles (By God, I AM - Miles Austin) Austin and Knowshon. Even with a mere 3 points from the overall number ONE pick Chris Johnson, Dragons had a slim lead going into Monday nights game. Dragons was just shy of 100 points, which I said Thrombic Acid would not see again this season. But then I retracted that. Glad I did because a couple of miraculous things happened for Thrombic Acid, one of which I would have bet my first born I would not see - a roster change. Thats right boys and girls (and Bingo), Thrombic Acid made a ROSTER change. Not only that - he dropped a player, yep DROPPED A PLAYER (actually a defense) and added a player. Then remembered to start his new defense! The only thing that would shock me more is if the Dems and our Prez came out and endorsed Tax cuts and spending cuts - but lets not push it. The other miracle was the play of Jay Cutler against a pretty stout Cowboy defense. Cutler scored almost 30 points and led the Bears to the victory - watch out for Chicago if they have a QB who can play. Along with Cutler - Dallas Clark (best player on Thrombics team) and some guy named Thomas for the Broncos scored well for Acid and all he needed was 5 points from the combo of Meachem and Bush on Monday night to win. The bad thing about having players on the Saints offense is they have so much offense, so many players who can score, and the problem for Acid is Meachem and Bush are number 4 and 5 on the list of guys who score. To prove the point Meachem couldn't muster a single point on Monday. Didn't matter in the end because Reggie (still the only FORMER Heisman trophy winner) scored the first touchdown of the game and that was enough to push Acid to the victory. Then he broke his leg. Time for another roster mover Thrombic, and now we all know you know how to do it. I feel bad for Reggie - but he will be back before the season is over. Thrombic Acid stays undefeated while Red Dragons drops to mid pack at 1-1 with a 104 to 99 win.
The toilet bowl game, but still a squeaker..........
Kind of a bad week for Squiggy. My Beavers win, but the defense looks bad against a middlin Louisville team. The Lions get the onside kick and look like a lock for a OT - and throw four straight in completes to end the game. I take the Colts in the 4th Quarter and give up 1/2 a point for 10 bucks and then Choice fumbles while running out the clock and Eli throws a garbage time TD, so I lose. I have $20 on the Saints giving six points and they have an eight point lead against SF - with no time outs and the whole field to go - and give up a TD. My wife decides I have a gambling problem - but I bet her twenty bucks I won't gamble this weekend, so we are cool there. Anyway, only one really good thing happened this weekend regarding football, OldSkoolers actually bought into Vince Young and started him. He could have started McNab. If BoofLicks starting Ryan over Brady was the equivalent of hitting a grand slam, then OldSkoolers starting Young over McNab is the equivalent of getting a shard of a wood stuck in your chest after breaking your bat. Young got MINUS 2 points. But even that wasn't enough to insure a victory for MacAttack. Even with Manning, Addai and Collie scoring 48 points on Sunday afternoon I was still vulnerable to defeat because OldSkoolers still had the Saint defense playing on Monday night. The New Orleans defense may give up points, but they score them in buckets also. No defense scored more points than the Saints last year. And it came down to the bitter end of the game because of 4 turnovers and a safety. All Skoolers needed was a sack and an interception returned for a TD on the 49ers last drive to pull out the win. Would have won me 20 bucks, but lost me the game in the 666 league. I left a lot of points on the bench but I still kind of feel embarrassed winning this one. I'll get over it soon enough. MacAttack stays undefeated and Oldskoolers joins the six team group at 1-1 with a 73 to 62 ugly win.
One more week before the byes start. Check out your team and make sure you have plans for when your Studs are sitting it out. Check the injury report. Check the waiver wire. Check the police blotter. As BoofLicks and OldSkooler and even Thrombic Acid proved this weekend, how you manage your bench can be the difference between winning and losing.
Squiggy
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