What a pathetic weekend of Football......

Really.  It was pathetic.  A couple of decent college games (including my Beavers against the Sun Devils) but mainly garbage.  A few close Pro games, but the close games shoulda been blow outs and the blow outs shoulda been close.  St Louis versus Seattle - shoulda been close - not.  New Orleans versus Carolina - shoulda been a blow out, but it was a last second win.  Indy versus Jacksonville - blow out city, except Jacksonville kicks a late 59 yard field goal to win.  But we still had Sunday night Football on NBC and, of course, a Monday night game that could go either way.  Nope.  Monday night was a disaster, unless of course, you were betting on NE to win (which I was) and/or started the Pats defense (nobody had em).  Miami can't hold onto the ball.  Miami can't kick a punt.  Miami can't cover a kickoff.  Miami can't win.  What a yawner.  But compared to the Sunday night game, the Dolphins versus Pats was awesome.  Which brings on a RANT........

I have always loved watching football whether live or on TV, college or Pro.  I like College because its so raw and unpredictable.  You never know whats going to happen.  Who's going to be the next superstar.  Which team is going to get it all together on any given weekend and pull out a win that NOBODY could see coming.  I love watching players and teams grow up.  And I love the fact that it changes year after year after year.  I love the Pro game also, but for a different reason.  The Pro's play the game as a job.  They know what they have to do.  They know the risks.  They get the fame and they (finally) get the money.  But they also are expected to play the game and play the game hard.  As great as it is, the fact that the Lions can play the Packers to late in the fourth quarter is not unexpected - it's what they are paid to do.  No different than the rest of us pros.  In college we all got drunk, got stoned, got laid (well, not all of us) and slowly grew into our potential.  Then we all turn Pro.  We get paid.  We grow up.  We perform.  Except - not anymore.  The main reason I love watching Football (or any sports) now a days is because its a great diversion and it helps to watch TRUE pro's do incredible things.  Thats why its so depressing to watch bad big games.  Its painful to watch these guys perform so badly, because thats what you see everyday in the rest of the Pro world.  We endlessly debate raising taxes on a few, with minimal impact, while ignoring our massive deficit .  The firing of a lame CNN talking head gets more attention than the fact that the second biggest economy in the world has followed in the footsteps of the biggest economy in the world in quantitative easing - otherwise referred to as the Madoff method.  We got so lazy that we couldn't do the paperwork on mortgages.  Engineers can't figure out contingency plans when drilling 5 miles under the ocean.  To top it all off, we have an election coming up and Allah help us whoever wins, because most of em runnin seem about as prepared as college kids.  They ain't the Pros.  We need the Pros.  Which is why I hate watchin the Pros play bad, because if the Pros can't do it its the doom of our future.  Our childrens future.  Damn, did y'all know that China cut Japan off from rare earth metals, and the Japs folded.........

So I was looking forward to a really good Sunday night game to take my mind off of all these weighty matters, and what I got instead was the Bear market I've been predicting for over a year.  This would be da Bear market, which was not what I expected when I doubled up my bets taking Chicago on the money line.  Come on, this was easy.  Big brother had just schooled little Manning two weeks ago, and the mighty Titans had schooled them last Sunday.  Chicago was undefeated.  They had just come off a win against the Packers.  They can run.  They can catch.  The defense was back.  Should be a good game, and a reasonable chance that Chicago could pull it out...............till Cutler stepped back in the pocket and got slammed.  Then stepped back again and got slammed.  Again, and again and again.  But it was still only 3 to zip at half time.  I don't know which was more pathetic, the nine sacks one pick and umpteen fumbles that Cutler had, or the fact that the Giants could only score three points off them?  So, I figure there is no way that Cutler could play THAT bad in the second half.  Just had to get his senses.  Get the ball out.  Maybe run it once in awhile to Forte (eh Boof Licks),  I was right, Cutler couldn't play any worse if he didn't play at all.  Instead, he sat it out.  He quit.  It wasn't worth it.  I have sources that say the conversation went somethin like this - 

Cutler:  Coach Smith - I can't play any more 'cause I am concussed.
Lovey - If anybody's gonna be cussin around here its me.
Cutler - Coach, I ain't cussin.  I've got a headache.  I'm concussed.
Lovey - You've got a headache?  Wait till you see the film, then your really going to have a headache.  We need you to go out an lead this team.
Cutler - Nah.  Can't go.  Let Collins play.
Lovey - Who?  You mean Collinsworth - he's in the broadcast both.  Kerry Collins ain't on the team is he Mike?
Martz - I think he's talking about Todd Collins.
Lovey -  Who the hell is Todd Collins.  What happened to Orton?
Martz - Todds the guy who carries the clip board and gets water.  Kinda tall and skinny.  Orton still sucks and plays for Denver.
Lovey - Well - this Collins dude can't be any worse the JC.  Where is he.
Martz - We sent out the defense to drag him back.  He was screaming, but a little injection should do the trick......
Lovey - We are screwed........
Martz - Hey - I won a SuperBowl with a bag boy from Wallmart.  Its the scheme that counts Lovey.....
Cutler - Can I stay here and play Madden10?  We can let Hanie carry the clip board.
Lovey - Now, who the hell is Hanie?
Martz - He's the guy who carries the bags.  Don't worry Lovey - remember the bag boy.

And the rest is history.  We are a quarter of the way through the season and what do we know?  Indy has a great QB, and can score at will.  But so can the other team.  Chicago is obviously a fraud.  The Giants....please.  NO isn't scoring.  Arizona needs the bag boy back.  The winner in the NFC west could be sup 500.  KC is undefeated for one more week.  The Packers lose ugly, and win ugly on back to back weeks. Dallas - right.  The Vikings - ya, you betcha. That leaves us with the Jets, the Pats, and - most impressively, the Steelers as the best teams in football.  Lottsa time left - but I don't think any team in the 2010 season will go down in history.  And next year we might have a strike.........

But I am being much too depressing here.   Its time for some SMACK - but like the real games, the 666 league games were pretty lame as well.  Too mix things up I will go in reverse order this week - leaving the Bitch slap for last......

This was the best game we had.............................................but it was over early

How many close games is MeSoHorny going to lose?  My god, its like dating a women for 4 weeks and knowing your goin' score this weekend - only to be put off once again because its that time of the month.  Horny was only down by 5 points going into the Sunday night game and had Steve Smith left to play.  He got another sub par performance from Brees, and the only guy on his team to score was the best player at Coastal Carolina (is that a college or a high school?) named Tolbert who had 33 rushing yards going into this Sunday.  Ballblokes  wasn't doing much better going into Sunday night, with only Calvin Johnson, the Eagle D and the Chargers kicker scoring much.  But he had Eli.  Who throws to Smith.  Which begs the question - is it possible for a wide out to outscore his QB by five points in a game?  Surprisingly the answer is yes.  At one point in the game Horny had pulled to within 2 points.  All he needed was a fumble and/or pick, and then any TD to go Smiths way.  Didn't happen, but was a way closer game than it should have been in the end.  Eli continues to struggle - but he is better than Cutler.......MeSoHorny stays perfect and Ballblokes (congrats on the rider cup thing) goes to 0.500 with a 84 to 81 "victory".

This was the second  best game we had...................................and it wasn't good

If Red Dragons or OldSkollers had been playing anyone else but a couple of teams this weekend (see above), they would have both lost.  But hey, nothin wrong with a good defensive struggle - MacAttack has won a couple of those before.  Problem with a defensive struggle is there isn't much smack material.  Dragons had a 23 point lead heading into the Monday night game on the back of a decent games from Rivers and McFadden and another great game from Keller - but was going against Ronnnie Brown and the kicker for the Pats.  Skoolers finally got points from Wayne, but McNabb didn't score much in leading the Native Americans to victory over the Eagles and again got blanked by Sims-Walker.  Need to bench that dude.  Grostkowski scored well, but Ronnie Brown was overshadowed by an old school running back named Ricky (I like the smell of weed) Williams.  Lots of the old guys did well this week, and showed the XYZ generation how to ball.  Final wasn't that close - but still one of the closest of the week.  Pity the kids in OldSkoolers classes - Final.................Red Dragons drops OldSkoolers 83 to 78

And we are back with Corn on the.......................................................Kolb

This one was a wipe out because.....The savior of the Eagles.  Walking proof that you can redeem yourself of all sin.  The man of the moment, Michael Vick - got squished (rhoids words, not mine) at the goal line early in the game and was out.  That was pretty much all she wrote.  Rhoids scored with the 49ers D (like you can predict that), that old and stoned stud Ricky Williams and Denver's kicker, but this was over early.  Kyle Orton proved that Chicago is the Bermuda triangle for QB's by having a great game in a win for Denver,  Hillis continues to show he is a baller, and the SD defense absolutely explodes against the hapless (but still league leading) Arizona Cardinals - and he had Bradshaw going into Sunday night and Moss going into Monday night.  This was a potential Bitch Slap in other weeks, but Moss dropped a TD and looks like he has checked out on the Pats.  Rumor is he is headed to the Vikings, which could be good for Bloodypulp.  If Moss had scored, and Williams hadn't this would have been worse.  It was bad enough as it was.  Bloody pulp whips Hemorrhoids 115 to 93 and both fall to 2-2.

Should have been the most embarrassing loss..............................but wasn't

Detroit is a tough town.  Its a tough crowd.  There is lots of things along the lines of the Commish's work that need doin.  Do you know why a car is worth more than a house in Detroit - because you can drive a car OUTTA the city (forgive me if that is a repeat lame joke).  Anyway - I was worried that Death Panels was overwhelmed.  No QB on Sunday morning.  No Kicker on Sunday morning.  Looking like a cake walk for the Boof man.  But there was no need to worry.  The Commish had a plan.  Pick up the QB and kicker for the Monday night game and play with our heads.  But the funny thing is....................he would have won with out them.  But we shouldn't be surprised.  In Death Panels last win he had two players get blanked and his QB (FAVra) only scored a single point.  So how much help would Henne and Carpenter be?  Not bad - a total of 20 points, but he didn't need that many.  Boof Licks got 21 from Mendenhall and, well - he got 21 from Mendenhall.  Sure, Ryan outscored Cutler, but so did my eighth grade defensive lineman Trevor "the tank" McGuigan!  Death Panels got what is becoming a hoohumm 27 points from Gates, 15 from McCoy and 15 from the GB defense to put this one away.  Boof Licks couldn't even manage to take it to the MNF game...............Final is Boof goes splat and Death Panels goes to 0.500 with a 109 to 78 drubbing.

It was all going as planned...................................................and then Lehman Brothers Failed

Thrombic Acid is developing a pattern.  It could be on purpose.  It could be luck.  It could be fate.  Whatever it is, Acid is developing a habit of having opponents who are done early and still having a couple of stud players left to play.  Last week he almost pulled off a victory (probably should have), and it was shaping up to be the same thing this week.  Badgers scored just shy of a 100 points on the back of Arian Foster (this years version of Miles Austin), a decent game from Schaub and Gore and points from everyone else but some kid named Naanee (which is a 3-D movie isn't it) but looked vulnerable.  Thrombic had Cutler.  Thrombic had Marshall.  Thrombic had Nicks.  That should have been enough to make it close.  Nicks did his job.  Marshall didn't.  And Cutler.  Well, I've said enough about the Jay man.  Thrombic - all I can say is you are lucky we don't have the automatic backup rule, because I think Collins and Haine would have increased the NEGATIVE points you got from your QB.  This should have.  This would have.  This WAS a Bitch Slap - just not the official one.  Buy Carter a beer.  Final score Badgers goes to 3-1 with his bench now alive (Roth and Holmes) by destroying Thrombic Acid 96 to 64.

And the BITCH SLAP is................................................Delicious

Sometimes you can get to hyped for a game.  To amped up.  Makes you over-run the play.  Not stay home. Overthrow it.  Stub the chip shot.  You get the point.  Morning Missles was definitely amped for this game.  Sure, he was nervous about his rookie QB - but he did great, scoring 22 points and negating MacAttacks #1 draft picks' 23.  MJD finally busts a game and scores what a number 1 pick should with 24 points.  But Pierre was out,  Hester had Cutler, Collins and Haine throwing to him (in a manner of speaking) and Welker couldn't find the end zone.  Morning Missles did OK - could have won several contests with his point total, but he wasn't playing some kid here.  He was playin MacAttack.  Squiggy.  The SMACK king.  Sure, he was confused about who he picked as QB - mistaking Cassal for Bradford - but they are both White and not very good, so that is forgivable.  What he hadn't counted on was last minute lineup changes by me.  I started old man Owens.  Started old man Tomlinson.  Started Addai at the last minute.  Started Brandon Tate, and continued to ride the back of Austin Collie.  My guys scored the first two TD's of the weekend! Only mistake I made was picking up and starting the Indy Defense (which is an oxymoron).  Add it up and you get the Bitch slap of the year.  Hell, it might be the Bitch slap of the decade (actually it is).  Sorry KC - I enjoyed that way too much.   You didn't just hear the Fat lady singin - she was screaming.  Final..MacAttack stays perfect and Missles falls to 2-2, 144 to 85.

We are a third of the way through our season.  The league has a nice symmetry to it.  One 4-0 team, one 3-1 team, eight 2-2 teams, one 1-3 team and one 0-4 team.  There is a lot of Football left, nobody is out of it yet.  Still a lot of byes to get through.  Injuries to come.  Players to heal.  Nothing is finished just yet, but I like where its all headed.  GL losers........

Squiggy